Tuesday, May 17, 2011

It's already been a year.

About one year ago I found out some... surprising news. I, Emily Zoe Hale, had a baby living inside of me. Those first few MONTHS were rough. I was experiencing a roller coaster of emotions. We had plans. Plans that did not involve expanding our family until a littler later in life. I was still a baby myself (or so I felt). I was not ready for the responsibility of motherhood. One day I would be really excited, and the next scared and confused. One thing was for sure though, this baby was coming. So, I prayed. I prayed a lot.
Steven and me at my Birthday party last year.
 Little did I know that at that very moment I had a Winston growing inside me. 
I have heard many people say that they love their baby as soon as they hear the heart beat (this was true for Steven) or they have another experience where they feel love for their baby rush over them all at one moment while the baby is still residing in the belly. This was not the case with me. And that scared me. I think that I was too wrapped up in my own thoughts to let myself enjoy what was happening. I wanted to feel that instant love, that moment where my love for him rushed over me. Instead it came little by little. Everyday my love for him would grow a little more, even if I did not realize it was happening until one day I realized that my love for him had surpassed any other emotion I had ever felt before.
Early in my pregnancy I began thinking of those who try and try for babies and are not able to have children of their own. I was  horrified by the attitude I had towards the whole ordeal. I began to see the pregnancy and this baby as the greatest blessing we could have, even though it did not fit into our plan at the time.
When he was born it felt so natural. Being his mother and loving him came easier than I could have imagined.
Now that he is here I still have roller coaster days. And I probably will all of my mothering life. But, it's different now. Sometimes thinking about his future makes me excited and I can't wait to see the kind of man he will become, and other times I want to freeze him the way he is and never let him grow up.
This experience has helped to strengthen my testimony. I realize that I don't always know what is best for me. Heavenly Father has his own plan for all of us. He knows what we need at all times. Motherhood has brought me my greatest joys. He knew that this was an experience I needed at this time. I am so eternally grateful for the opportunity that I have to be Winston's mother.

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