Friday, May 14, 2010

First Post

Dear baby,

Yesterday Steven and I almost got a dog. He was cute, so friendly, and FREE. But, no matter how much I wanted this dog I had a seriously sickening feeling that it was not the right time... I did not tell Steven this because I hoped that the feeling would not last. We talked about it a litte bit and I STILL had that horrible feeling. Then I got a feeling that I needed to get myself a pregnancy test... I did not know why this thought would occur in my head other then I have been feeling a little sick, and crampy lately. I have even been faithfully using my birth control pills...
Moving on...
Last night, just like every Thurday night, I went to watch Steven play basketball at the stake center. Every Thursday I do the same thing, Steven and I drive to the stake center together and after dropping him off I turn right back around and head to the Walgreens across the street to get myself some cherry taffy. Since I was already there I decided that I would get a cheap pregnancy test to make myself feel better.
After I got back to the stake center and I watched Steven for a while, I decided that I would try the test.
Not even a minute passed by (after I had... peed... on the stick) that a little plus sign showed up. I was shocked. I can't even begin to explain the mix of emotions that I was feeling... still am feeling... As soon as I fished up I got up and started pacing aroung the church, shaking. I didn't know what to do. I went back into watch the game but I couldn't focus and I started feeling sick. My shaking was out of control and I told Steven that I wanted to go home. I told him that I was sick because I ate too many sweets, and that I was shaking because I was cold...
On our way home he looked at me and said,
"Emily, we should not get that dog." In that moment I felt peace because as soon as I saw that positive pregnancy test I knew that I did not want a dog but I didn't know how to explain it to him... Unfortunatly immidiatly following his remark about not wanting the dog he followed up with his reason why he didn't want the dog,
"We can't afford a dog right now. It is too expensive"... If only he knew...

I am planning on telling him tonight. But for right now you are my little seceret... Plus I am REALLY nervous to tell him.

P.S. I don't want you to feel like we don't want you. We do. I want to be a mom more than anything and I am grateful for my fertile body! I just had no idea it would be this soon and I am having a really hard time wrapping my head around it. Plus, I am so scared. I am still just a kid... I am not ready to be a mom.

According to a thing online I am about 8 weeks along and my due date is 12/26/2010. I have a doctors appointment on the 24th of this month to confirm...

2 comments:

  1. awww! i love that you journaled all of this! so how did you end up telling steven???

    ReplyDelete
  2. This is so great! I love this idea, your baby blog. Dude, I can't believe you got pregnant while on birth control!! You are really scaring me. I'm on birth control again, but maybe we should have Ben get a vasectomy, also. I cannot get pregnant ever again. I think I will die if I do.

    ReplyDelete